He bombed along in his fast car with electric windows and a phone and a loud stereo. It was sick. He got to his penthouse and a man with a uniform said "Hello SIR." and parked his car and the lift didn’t smell of piss and there was a carpet and no cunt tried to get in your room at night. His penthouse had a pool and a spa and a sauna and his girlfriend said "Hello ANDY, I’ve been waiting for you all day." He didn’t say anything back, he just kissed her beautiful face on the mouth with tongues and felt up her big tits and she let him. She said "I love you the best." and he smiled.

Then he looked out of his big window at the whole city like a picture and thought about how it should be, nice and clean and tidy, with no Litterbugs and no mess and no shit in the corridors or stuff in the street.

He had sex with his sexy girlfriend, two times, and she sucked it. She had long legs and brown skin and blue eyes and a bum that was just right. Then she went away and he got ready to go out because he had a lot of work to do.

He put on his costume and his mask and his belt and looked in the mirror. Even though it was a little mirror and he couldn’t see all of him at once that didn’t matter because he could move it and see one bit at a time. He looked real good. He was SPIK & SPAN MAN.

This night he was on a special mission, he had to squash a Litterbug, but he had to be secret so he took off his mask and put on a coat. It was better if people didn’t know it was him tonight, the Police were against him and wanted to get him, like Spiderman.

This man that Spik & Span Man was going to get, that shoe man from the Mall, he had the warnings but he hadn’t listened, he didn’t want to keep Australia Beautiful, he had LAUGHED.

In the film he said you couldn’t spray the Litterbugs with two legs. But Spik & Span Man can do ANYTHING HE WANTS.

He started walking, he knew where this Litterbug lived because last week he followed him and he knew his kid went to bed after the news and there wouldn’t be any problems if he was careful. He had a big bag and he put the rubbish in the street in the bag and when it was full he put it in a bin. He had a bug bomb, a big one because the man was a fat cunt. There was a lot of newspaper around because it was windy yesterday and cans in the corners. There was dust on everything and bits of plastic and paper and Macdonalds and butts. The Sweepers never do their job properly but Spik & Span Man does but tonight he has to leave some because he has to bomb the Litterbug.

Spik & Span Man didn’t clean up leaves and twigs or apples because they are natural.
He was getting near to the man’s house so he went invisible but it wasn’t working so well because a kid in a garden looked at him and then a woman did too. Spik& Span Man knew he’d have to put more of that stuff on tonight, even though it hurt. But SPIK & SPAN MAN was tough.

It’s harder to go invisible to kids because they can see better.

Spik & Span Man got to the Litterbug’s house but it wasn’t dark enough so he walked past. Down the end of the street and round the corner there was a little park with horses on springs and a climbing frame and swings but no kids because they were all having tea. Spik & Span Man had a swing and a smoke and waited for it to go dark. He could jump off the swing when it was really high and it was like flying.

The Litterbug’s house was very neat and tidy, like the family in the film with everything clean and a garden with a pool, but when they went for a drive they don’t care and they make a real mess. The Litterbug doesn’t have a wife like the little fat one in the film in a white dress with a kid. She’s funny in the supermarket when everything is a bit speeded up and the big pile of Skippy Cornflakes falls down but in real supermarkets everything is a bit slowed down.

Spik & Span Man tried to stop this Litterbug lots of times. One time he went right into his shop with a wrapper he just left on a bench and he put it in his face and shouted "Keep Australia Beautiful!" The Litterbug had got angry and pushed Spik & Span Man over so Spik & Span Man had to pretend to cry and the Litterbug LAUGHED.

So like in the film Spik & Span Man had put lots of rubbish in the Litterbug’s garden to teach him a lesson he won’t forget in a hurry except Spik & Span Man had to be careful so he did it at night. But the next time Spik & Span Man went to the Mall the Litterbug comes away from his shoes and shouts at him. Spik & Span Man knows its a trap, to get him angry, because the Litterbug is with the Police, but Spik & Span Man is too smart and he pretends to cry and cry. The Old People stop the Litterbug and he tells them what I did but I pretend I don’t know anything and I say "Don’t Rubbish Australia." again and again. Then he tries to take off my mask and I run away pretending to cry. The Old People tell him to leave me alone, they’re alright, they’re always there too, they don’t leave rubbish.

I don’t like pretending to cry like that, but I have to.

A bit later Spik & Span Man sees the man drop some paper and the Litterbug sees him and drops some more on purpose. Spik & Span Man goes up to him and says "Pick it up. Don’t Rubbish Australia." and the Litterbug is very rude, he says I’m a retard and old and ugly, he says that I’m rubbish but I’m NOT.

So Spik & Span Man knows he’ll have to squash him.

It’s dark now so Spik & Span Man went back to the Litterbug’s house. There’s no lights on upstairs which means that the boy is in bed. Spik & Span Man goes into the garden, there’s no dog, Spik & Span Man isn’t scared of dogs but he hates them, they shit everywhere and it stinks. Spik & Span Man puts on his mask and hides the coat down the side. He has to be careful because there’s a light that comes on by itself. Superman doesn’t have to be careful but he isn’t on the pension. The police want to stop Spik & Span Man, put him in prison. He saw that one drop that gold foil, and that other time the other one dropped that paper bag.

It costs MILLIONS of dollars a year to clean it all up.

Spik & Span Man sat down on his coat, it was quiet. He waited for a bit. He could hear the TV on next door but there was no noise from the Litterbug’s house. He got the bomb ready, gave it a good shake, went to the front, opened the screen door and rang the bell. He heard the Litterbug come down the stairs and come up to the door, but it was locked. The Litterbug said "Hang on," not very loud, then came back with some keys. Spik & Span Man had to wipe his hands on his tights to keep a good grip on the bomb. The Litterbug opened the door and saw SPIK & SPAN MAN. He didn’t say anything, he just looked worried, he looked at the bomb and at my eyes. SPIK & SPAN MAN said "Don’t Rubbish Australia" then, really quick, sprayed the Litterbug in the face and jumped on him and he fell back and sat on him and put my knees on his arms and grabbed his hair and stuck the end in his mouth but he tried to keep it closed but I got it in. The good thing about the bombs is that the plastic end bit is really strong, it wouldn’t work the same if it wasn’t. The gas was coming out of the Litterbug’s nose so Spik & Span Man held it and waited for the bomb to run out. The Litterbug kicked and tried to get up but SPIK & SPAN MAN was too strong. Some more gas came out, you have to try and stop it because it’s bad for you but a bit always does because it can’t all fit inside.

When it stopped Spik & Span Man stood up and saw the boy standing at the top of the stairs. Looking.

What would Spiderman do? Or Superman? Maybe the boy isn’t a Litterbug but if SPIK & SPAN MAN is found out the Police will get him and put him in prison and throw away the key.

It’s not fair.